Me and my kids, on the night we arrived home.
We’ve been home 3 days as of tonight. All in all, Dylan is doing great. He adores his siblings to pieces, goes to both Randy and me equally, gives kisses, makes eye contact, and has given me 1 unsolicted hug so far :) But, like all adoptions, there are areas of struggle and since I feel it’s important to give other adoptive families a true picture of this journey, I plan on “keeping it real” here.
We completely expected Dylan to react to food like Lainey did…eat voraciously, never seem full, want to eat all the time. Boy, were we wrong. Dylan eats very little, and usually only with encouragement. He will chew a mouthful of food FOREVER and when we try to give him another bite, he opens his mouth wide to say “still chewing, mama”. I’ll try and give him a sip of drink to help him swallow. It works sometimes. There are times that he refuses to swallow and he gets upset. He usually refuses bites of food that he’s not familiar with. I’m planning on calling our agency’s support line to check on this…definitely not how we thought he’d react to eating.
Then, there are times when he sort of spaces out. It happens after we do something that shakes him – maybe told him no, or asked him to eat another bite of food, etc. He freezes, his forehead crinkles and his eyes look anxious and fearful. He won’t respond to our words, won’t take anything we try to hand him, nothing. It’s hard to see him do this, but we realize that his world has been totally rocked and turned upside down. His little 3 year old brain just can’t handle it all sometimes and this is his response…his way to shut it all down. We’re praying that this happens less and less as we show him our love is real and forever.
His other struggle is bedtime. He slept in his crib at the hotel the 1st night – we laid him down, he stayed completely still, and fell asleep. That was the last time he was in the crib, because the next night he screamed in fear when we tried to put him down. He’s been sleeping with us. Our routine is kind of the same as in the hotel. We get him in his PJ’s and brush his teeth (which causes him to start to cry because he knows what’s coming), then sit up with him in our bed with the TV on. He cries – a sort of over and over humming cry – as we rub his back and tell him it’s okay. About 5-10 minutes into it, he begins to nod off. We lie him down, and he’s usually out in about 2 minutes. He always wakes up happy.
Oh, and did I mention he hates the dog?
It’s been a rough few days, with all of us trying to find our new places in the family…
Lainey isn’t the baby anymore and is definitely feeling some jealousy and wanting tons of mama/dada time. We expected her to react this way, but she’s also showing signs of being a fantastic big sister. Whenever we include her in taking care of Dylan, she jumps right in with big sister authority. Dylan accepts her most of the time :)
I’m learning to be a mother to six children. If you would have told me this would be my life even 10 years ago, I would have laughed. Me? 6 kids? Yea, right. It feels daunting at times, especially in these early days (and jet lag still working on me!), but I know that God will equip me to be the mom He knows I can be. What a privilege. I’m extremely thankful for my family and can’t imagine my life any other way.
First breakfast at home.
So, that’s where we are right now. I’m confident that we’ll all find our place and new rhythm. I know that Dylan will settle in and feel comfortable and safe with us. I know he’ll eventually drive the dog crazy with attention. For now, I’m trusting God to walk us through this time. That’s what faith is, right…even when you’re not feeling it, you believe it’s there. I believe.
December 15th, 2010 at 12:21 am
i know those first days (ah who’s kidding? weeks.. ) are so hard– amy had sleep issues- but ben and noah did fine. did dylan eat in china??? if so- then this may just be stress- he’ll come around– his stomach will make sure of that!!! just keep putting food out for him at mealtimes and snacks:) if he didn’t eat in china– welcome to the club- neither did ben or noah– and now noah scarfs down food- it’s his fav hobby… it’s early days– and i guarentee he won’t starve himself– i know when i went to china for noah- my times were all messed up- so i wasn’t hungry at normal china meal times– this may be his issue– our meal times are his sleep times..
bed issue– what about a crib mattress next to your bed? no bars- open , yet comfortable- close to you but not IN the bed- then if that is ok- over time move it further from the bed- then eventually, when he’s ready , to his room?
our kids hated the dogs too- amy would scream bloody murder if they walked by- it took her about 2 weeks to not scream- and about a month to like them- now, she is our animal lover and future vet.
hmmm.. sorry so long!!! love the pic with you and all the kids!!!
December 15th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Hang in there Donna. Sounds like you guys are handling things well. Much of what you have described sounds so familiar to me…either with Abigail or Joshua. Abigail started doing the food thing somewhere along the way…can’t remember exactly when, but she could keep food tucked away for HOURS…yes, HOURS. I think you are right on with the spacing out that it’s his method of coping. Karyn Purvis has some GREAT resources on her web site. She’s done tons of research. check out empoweredtoconnect.org. Lots of great videos!
December 15th, 2010 at 9:54 am
What a absolutely delicious picture!! Nothing is more splendid to a mother;s heart than having all her children near her.
Little Man is soooo pretty! I’m sorry, he is just pretty.
Patricia
December 15th, 2010 at 10:04 am
Dylan is going through much the same as our Luoyang son did as well. Drew still doesn’t eat quickly and will hold a bite of food in his mouth for an hour if we let him. We started him on the choc Boost drinks to help keep those calories up and he loves smoothies (any sweets actually!).
As for sleeping, I did like you and would rub his back or rock him in his bed as he went to sleep. He would sometimes join us in our bed if he was having a tough night but has gotten so much better as he got comfortable. (Dec 28th will be our 2 year anniv)
As for the dogs, it is so hard to see the terror but I let the other kids give the dogs treats and love on them and he slowly started reaching out. It took about a week or two for him to be comfortable if my memory is working today… He now adores the dogs almost as much as the rest of us;)
LOVE the photo of you with all your treasures!
December 15th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Donna, thanks for being “real” as Derek and I have been watching “Rainbow Kids” and praying through which child God may have in store for us.
Your heart of compassion and your love for children bring tears to my eyes. What a sweet mama you are!
We are praying for you and will continue to do so.
December 15th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
So glad you are home. Such a real post, and I appreciate that. Hang in there, and remember that God will equip you, one day at a time.
December 16th, 2010 at 8:56 am
First of all…GREAT picture! I took one also, but I was on the side. Don’t have any of my pictures developed, yet.
Just as your 1st paragraph says “Dylan is doing great”…with time, patience and lots of love, he will also do great with these other obstacles. As they say, “This too shall pass”…I know in my heart that he’ll calm down and eat better and not be so fearful of going to sleep…it just takes time…and you said “faith”…we believe, too. He already feels “at home” with his siblings, how great that made us feel. Even the night you brought him home, within 2 hours, he was playing and laughing with them! I’m sure they all love him to pieces, too. We’re also saying prayers for all of you and for Dylan to feel like he’s part of the family as each day goes by…he’s just so adorable (and “charming” LOL). Love ya!!
December 16th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Oh, Donna, what beautiful pictures! That one of you and the six…makes my heart jump just to see all that love in one picture!!
While we have jumped off the China adoption train (have you read the “secret” blog lately?), we love watching the journeys of these wonderful children.
Dylan, I’m sorry you’re struggling, Little Man. Please know that God knows what he’s doing and it is no accident you have been placed in this wonderful, loving family. They will help you through the struggles.
Love and hugs from Ohio!
Teresa =)
December 16th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Hey D– I’ve never adopted a child; however Dylan’s eating habits sound similar to my son Aiden’s eating habits… he is the slowest eater ever!! and he is a bit picky too; however we constantly introduce new things to him all the time, and his menu in what he eats slowly gets larger. My peditrician would always tell me… “Amanda, as long as Aiden stays on the growth chart, we’re OK.” Since Aiden has been born he’s at the 5% range– and that is where he stays. So I’m sure Dylan is fine, and he will come around over time… but just note, he’s definitely going to do that at his own speed. I think some children just prefer not to eat, just like some prefer to eat all the time (like Lainey).
Glad you guys are home… God Bless.
December 16th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
I am praying. God will smooth out all those bumps, just like he did with Lainey bug. And listen to your heart- the Ferber method goes out the window with an adopted child from an orphanage. You will know when it is time to push him out of “the nest” (your bed). You cannot mess him up by giving him this added reassurance and snuggling time. Just so different all of them. Thank God for the Holy Spirit. We love you. Even if I haven’t sent him anything. :) YET.
December 16th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Hey Donna,
I wanted to pick up the phone a few moments ago and call you but I don’t have your number. You need to e-mail me your contact info because I also want to get your Christmas card in the mail! Ah the eating issues. Nadia had and still has a ton of them. That was the toughest part of the day and so that meant 3 tough times a day. I loved your last few lines about that’s what faith is–believing even when you aren’t seeing the (fill in the blank). I’m still there most days as I continue to get my ‘new groove on’ and as Josi continues to struggle with some significant transition issues with having Nadia here. So, send me your phone number so we can sip coffee and have a real conversation!!!